I Don't Have Any New Year Resolutions, but I Think You All Should Read More
I fear there is calamity afoot. From a $100 bill feeling like the new $5 to political unrest, social anarchy, et an uptick in individualism, it’s clear things get worse even as they get better.
I don’t blame you for entering the new year with a preset of ennui. But fear not—this isn’t an exhaustive list of the horrors (or hallelujahs) to come, nor is it a guide to resolutions guaranteed to make your life hotter or more fantastic. I simply will not be advocating for the gym or suggesting you quit your vices at this time et I have no idea what intersection the love of your life is currently lost at, but I can offer some lite reading on the Ins et Outs of 2025.
It’s not much, but who do I look like? Santa?
IN:
Reading et research.
I am on my hands et knees, face to the floor, snot-nosed sobbing et begging you to invest in personal research this year. The truth is, you’re gonna read anyway—whether it’s TikTok closed captions or a rage-bait tweet (what are we even calling X posts? Just "posts"? Boring). Reading is essential, but I need y’all to think bigger. You see a wild headline? Read the article before you comment. Don’t know something? Head down to Google et let that choppa sing (the gun in question is you shooting your fingers off to type rapidly). I’m not saying you need a PhD in everything Dickens or Bell Hooks, but please—stop letting clickbait et loud, wrong people do all the work for you.
Long, romantic walks to the sales rack.
Not everyone’s a thrifter, et I get that—so if the thought of being financially savvy makes you gag, this one’s not for you, but pop off, Scrooge McDuck! I don’t know much about the economy, but I do know two things: (1) sh*t’s expensive, et (2) no matter how many TikToks preach overconsumption, we will, in fact, consume.
I’m very anti-buying things you don’t need or won’t love long enough for the price to make sense. But I’m mostly anti-paying full price unless I absolutely have to—et as someone who’s worked in marketing for most of my adult life, you should be too!
Ultimately, getting what you want without blowing a bag comes down to research. If you weren’t a coupon clipper before, don’t worry, you still won’t be—but you better tap into your inner detective.
• Locate stockists et compare prices.
• Befriend Facebook Marketplace.
• Cultivate patience et wait for it to go on sale.
Or simply don’t buy it in the moment. Wait until it comes back to you out of season, with a price tag that matches your financial freak.
Having a midlife crisis.
None of us know how long we’re going to live, so technically, you can have a midlife crisis at any time—under the guise of “just in case.” Not where you wanna be? Switched your major for the umpteenth time? Suddenly know your high school sweetheart isn’t “the one”? The road to self-discovery is never straight or narrow (it’s more like an interchange in Milwaukee or Chicago, tbh), et that can lead to a brief crash-out or act-out. I say, let it happen.
I’m not a therapist, but if I was, I’d stress the importance of wildly out-of-character behavior as a way to feel your feelings et unearth your true self. Which is probably why I’m not a therapist, but this is my suggestion et I’ma stick by it! Live a little et live differently if you must. You never know what’s on the other side of you rocking out with your cock out.
BUT! Like most things, there are conditions. Rules do, in fact, apply. Your midlife crisis is your business. Don’t be out here hurting people in the name of your own life being momentarily uncomfortable.
Acceptable midlife crisis: Joining a paintball league.
Unacceptable midlife crisis: Blowing up your entire family life for the young hottie who introduced you to the celebrity smoothie lore at Erewhon.
Slut-shaming men.
A controversial choice, but hear me out. Obviously, we should not be slut-shaming anyone. Other people’s sex lives, unless they’re committed to us in some way, are none of our business. However, I can’t help but wonder if men missing out on the harrowing shame the patriarchy placed on women has robbed them of character building, et lowkey made some of them too aggressive about the subject. Think about it: can you honestly trust the confidence of a guy who’s never had to overcome the darkness of being referred to as a c** d******* just for having big boobs? Do men even have top-shelf preparation skills if they’ve never once had to prepare themselves for the possibility of their first date dropping the “body count” question? These people lead nations et households all without ever having to battle a purity complex?! Seems irresponsible. While I’d never seriously advocate shaming anyone for their sexual choices, I do wonder if men are built without the resilience-building that women developed under societal scrutiny, et, if said societal scrutiny could reframe the ways they approach sex et their entitlement toward it. It sounds backwards, but maybe going back is how we propel men forward. Imagine reframing societal pressures so men no longer see sexual conquests as status symbols—or as detrimental to their masculinity.
What if, subjecting men to the same social stigmas et purity pressures is how they finally see they are, in fact, more than their dicks. In fact, they aren’t their dicks at all. Sex makes a man, but it doesn’t make a man, ye know?
We don’t gotta do it forever, but I think one solid year of slut-shaming should put us in a good place, or perhaps until the next US election. Call that man a whore today!
Romanticizing your life.
Perhaps you’re so ahead of the grain you’ve had the term “delulu” as a part of your daily vernacular since 2014, maybe you caught on in the 2020s—either way, “Delulu till it’s truelulu” is as common as aspiring for a “soft life.” The idea of being delusional, or“delulu,” is to force us into a blissful state of believing anything can happen for us, even the utmost theatric. As someone who is an active believer in make-believe, I am a shameless supporter of the delulu movement. However, what happens when delusion is simply not enough? What if you don’t want to just think you’re the main character, but feel it too? Start romanticizing your life. Invest in making a moment out of everything you do. It’s one thing to just sit et read, but it’s the opening scene of a hot new drama to sit et read with soft jazz playing in the back with incense or candles lit. Life can be drab et sometimes the glam et drama cease to exist, so make your own! Take the trip, even if it’s just an hour away. Put on the beautiful outfit just to go grocery shopping. Stare longingly outside a bookstore window, reminiscing on the lover you do not have. Journal at a cafe while making eyes at the cute, possibly gay, guy sitting across the room. He’s not even looking at you, but what if he was? Carry the romcom you’ve masterfully created in your head to your next destination while you flounce down the street in a pretty dress like Brittany Murphy in Uptown Girls. You deserve to—in the words of Mel B, C, Emma, Geri et Victoria—spice up ya life.
Reframing your relationship with clothes.
In recent years, global clothing consumption has increased by 60%, despite the average lifespan of clothing decreasing by half that. There are indeed clothes in this world, but they aren’t being worn—or even worn enough. I’m not going to sit here et tell you to start thrifting like buying secondhand isn’t a whole practice that requires thought et patience, but I am going to advise you to look at your wardrobe et search your dopamine-dressing-inspired chunky knits, your designer It sneakers, et your surprisingly covetable Crocs (not by me though. The Croc epidemic has not hit this household, thank God) et search for meaning.
I think the true defeat of clothing overconsumption is not only outward education—how to shop, how to care for your garments, knowing your body type/measurements—but also inward education. Why are you buying what you buy? What do these pieces say to you et about you? Who are you when you create a look with this piece?
If we think of our bodies as canvases, clothing as paint, et ourselves as Alma Thomas et the likes, what kind of masterpiece are we making when we get ready for the day? Et can we, as an honest artist, invest in sh*t that doesn’t align with who we are just for the sake of having something new to wear?
Social media has created this idea that no one can see you in the same thing twice, which is propaganda. Also, what it says to me when you find new ways to wear the same sweater or run your favourite shoes into the ground? Your pieces have stories, they have life. What it says to me when you’re running after a new look every month? Everything is, in fact, not alright at home, et you’re not confident in your styling abilities. Which is fine— not everyone’s a stylist, but everyone should be interested in discovering who they are.
OUT:
Doomscrolling.
I’m of the mind that, no, you simply can’t et should not ignore the atrocities going on in the world just because they make you sad or uncomfortable. But spiral scrolling isn’t conducive either. Instead of doomscrolling, try organizing. Take these conversations from URL to IRL. Get your circle involved—share what you’ve learned et seen. Donate if you can, but spreading the word > scrolling yourself into despair.
Sex Talk Policing.
I’m going to hold your hands when I say this, but you need to grow the f*ck up. Sex is a touchy topic, I know, et while I strongly believe we should be mindful of those with sex-based trauma or insecurities et others who share different perspectives on the topic (whether it be asexuality or personal boundaries), we can’t let the current wave of sex positivity find its way back underground due to the rise of conservatism.
They don’t want you to know this, but some of the trad wives were throwing it back et kiki’ing about it in their in-person group chats! The roaring ’50s—what a time.
It’s fiiiiine to have different attitudes about sex, we can’t all be a Lynn Searcy, Samantha Jones, Nola Darling or, dare I say, Dr. Jean Milburn, but we can coexist without shaming each other. Some people have lots of sex et love it, some can’t stand it, et some are confidently quiet about their bedroom bashments. All valid.
If sex conversations aren’t your jam, say so et move on. If sex is a topic you never shy away from, go where it’s appreciated. But if you can't ever talk about sex because you’re still clinging to the idea your honor is buried deep within the resume of your genitals (at your big age, at that)...I’m not sure you should be participating in it, but that’s a conversation for another day.
Note: I still stand by slut-shaming men. It’s for their dialectical transformation, so totally unrelated to this. .
Being a little too invested in celebrity beef.
If the great rap war of Kendrick vs. Drake has taught us anything, it’s that parasocial relationships cut both ways. People are so focused on the stans fighting tooth et nail to defend their favs they’ve somehow missed the haters acting the exact same way. Sure, the music born from artist squabbles is fun, et the cultural moments they spark are exciting to dissect. But lest we forget: we do not know these people.
Going online et ranting about how much you “hate” someone whose only crime is releasing art you don’t vibe with is just as unhinged as the stans rewriting narratives to make their idols seem more intellectual or spinning dissertations on how their album cover is actually the last piece of the Da Vinci Code. Pop culture will always be fun, et gossip a guilty pleasure, but don’t miss out on your own life by being preoccupied with trying to tweet yourself into someone else’s. Positive or negative.
I support delusions of course, but there are limits.
Your inner saboteur.
Real talk, even Beyoncé has an inner saboteur, that doesn’t make it any less valid that yours needs to collect their shit et respect the eviction notice you’re putting in place. You’re not always going to be the 100% go-getting, life is what you make it darling you’re working hard at being (et if you’re not, consider that statement a manifestation) et that’s…well, it’s what Frank Sinatra said: that’s life. In the year 2025, things are hard enough. You do not need to make it a collab by being hard on yourself. Challenge your inner saboteur. When it starts to bark, bark back with affirmations. Someone I love recently told me that when she’s triggered she likes to affirm herself with things her inner child would have loved to hear during her childhood. It shook me to my core how well it worked. It takes awhile to be comfortable with kindly talking to yourself, but if you’re going to have an inner monologue, don’t be so boring as to have only one voice. Especially if that voice is negative.
Do your absolute best, be kind to others et direct that same kindness to you. Negative self talk is a slow bleed that leads to a tortuous death. Stop using your words to prematurely write your own eulogy et get on your own good side.
Photography by Sophie
